Twenty.

Twenty weeks.

That’s how long I’ve been pregnant.
That’s how long I have till Peanut joins us.
That’s how long Mike & I have been separated.

It’s kind of crazy to think that I’m half-way there. I hate to think of this baby as a ‘reminder’ of me and Mike not being together and all, but it’s definitely getting harder. I can’t help to think that I’m on my own now. It never really hit me. I want to say that I feel bad for this baby, because even though it will be loved to the maximum, it just wasn’t really what I had in mind as a ‘going away present’ from Mike. I feel so bad when I even think about all of this.

Everything seems real now. I’m not just pregnant. I’m having another baby. Eight weeks ago (? – not exactly sure when it was) when I went for my first u/s, I saw the baby, heard the baby’s heartbeat but seriously that wasn’t enough. It seemed like I was watching a movie. Now I’m finding out the sex tomorrow and even though I’m excited as hell… I’m realizing this is real. I have to buy a crib, a stroller, onesies, diapers, wipes, I could go on…

I’d like to go back in time 20 years, I want to be 10 again. I want to worry about not losing the necklace my mom gave me for my birthday that she said I couldn’t wear but I did anyways, I want to try and find my brother’s dirty magazines because I heard him talking about them, I want to cry because my best friend is moving away and I’ll never get to see her again. But nope, I’m 30. I worry about bills and daughters, I try to find lost toys and socks, I cry because sometimes I feel very much alone.

I wouldn’t change my life for the world. I don’t think that’ll ever change. But I have to admit, I’m very scared of the 20 weeks to come.

On another note, I’m very scared for my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. I have bad hips. Always have, always will. With C, I was put on bed rest at around 30 weeks. Thankfully, she came early, I was about to go insane… My hips don’t handle the extra weight on top of them very well. The doctor was also worried I wouldn’t be able to have a vaginal delivery because of the strain on my hips. Well anyways, my hips have started to bother me already. I’ve only gained 7 pounds… I guess bed rest with C wasn’t so bad. I mean N was 7, she could pretty much take care of herself. Plus Mike was around. But this time around, it’s totally different. I mean, I CAN’T be put on bed rest. I have 3 kids. Mom could help but I would feel bad. I can’t just leave N, A and C by themselves all the time while I’m laying down somewhere. I guess they need food and stuff…
That was my vent. I’m going to wait till midnight to post though, cause then I’ll actually be 20 weeks along.